The Pre-Req to Love

We’re used to hearing that the world needs love. We are constantly told to love God, love Earth, love our lives, love everything and everyone…

There is a very little-practiced precursor to love, though.

It is a pre-requisite course of sorts, called understanding.

It is impossible to love a person without first having some understanding of who they are. How can we truly love who someone without taking the time to learn about them and what causes them to be that way?

Scripture calls us to love our neighbors as ourselves. We know that this is a heavy command, and part of the struggle that comes with it is that... well, it can be hard to love others at times. It's in those times that we especially need understanding and namely, grace to flood in. I've found that operating in understanding and grace towards others comes more natural when I first practice being understanding and gracious towards the person I have to deal with the most: myself.

That being said, what does it mean for us to not only understand others, but to understand ourselves?

It goes beyond simply identifying our negative personal habits and tendencies. It involves searching our minds and hearts to find out the unspoken reasons behind those habits and tendencies -- and then accepting God's grace to cover us.

It means we go beyond just knowing how we behave... we do the inner work of digging to find out why we behave the way we do.

I'll give a personal example of this to help. I have just never been a natural at volunteering information about myself, not even with people I consider pretty close friends. I also struggle with directly asking people for what I want. I've always known that those were habits of mine and had accepted that that was just how I was.

However, after recently sitting down and fully thinking it through, I got to the why behind it. I came to realize it is because I’m trying to avoid rejection by simply not saying too much. Once I grasped that, a lot of things about me started making way more sense. I started to see why I rarely go out of my way to speak to people first, for example, or offer general updates about what’s going on in my life unless the other person asks.

It's important that we seek this type of understanding regarding why we do what we do, no matter how seemingly small or uncomfortable the reasons end up being. If we don’t, we will inevitably continue to dwell in shame over what we do. And just like calories convert to fat, that shame converts into shame over who we are. It will forever restrict us from being able to truly love ourselves.

I urge you to start thinking about the reasons that secretly rest at core of your behaviors and habits.

One of the jewels you’ll find while digging for such an understand of yourself is that you’ll no longer have to carry that shame around. Once you understand what fears/insecurities drive your behavior, you’ll see it’s not even right to beat yourself up over it.

Case in point, before, when I instinctively avoided someone I knew at Walmart, I’d automatically beat myself up afterwards about being so unfriendly and unnecessarily awkward. As I am gaining a better understanding of myself, though, I recognize that stuff like that is simply practiced behavior. I can now see that it happens as a reflex, because I’m probably afraid of greeting the person and them perhaps not recognizing me or not returning the same energy I gave them.

By understanding the root cause of my behavior, I can pretty easily recognize how certain actions of mine stem directly from it. And I can accept that I am not perfect, and therefore my actions will not always be ideal.

What’s another precious jewel you’ll find from this search?

Understanding why you do what you do & recognizing your behavior enables you to start changing it. After all, how can you tell what needs to be fixed if you don’t even see that something is broken?

Now that I realize my programmed behaviors stem from a fear of rejection, I‘m able to just change it. I get to stop & decide,

“I don't want to continue this fearful behavior. I can just go say hi to so-and-so.”

Here’s one more piece of treasure you’ll obtain while embarking on your hunt for understanding...

It allows you to lend yourself grace for your imperfections.

You get to accept that you are not perfect, and then forgive yourself for the times when your behavior is less than desirable.

All throughout the Word, it says that we are loved and forgiven by God despite our many faults. He extends grace and forgiveness to us, so that we can extend grace and forgiveness to ourselves.

This grace and forgiveness then manifests in how we treat others.

Let’s take it back to the Walmart example.

What happens now if I’m out and notice that someone I know seems to avoid me in a public place? Do I get mad and confront them? Do I slowly start talking to them less and less because now I feel some type of way? The old me might have (just being honest), but the me of a renewed mind now understands this:

I am no more worthy of grace than any other person.

If I received grace for choosing anti-social behavior and avoiding someone, I have to extend grace to someone else for avoiding me.

Operating in understanding and grace helps me to recognize that that person may not have necessarily avoided me because they are mean or rude; they were, perhaps, scared just like I have been many times. Extending grace to myself for being imperfect prompts me to do that same thing for others.

Now, the next time I see them, I won’t need to secretly harbor ill feelings towards them. Despite their behavior and how it may have made me feel, I can forgive and show them genuine love.

We know that love covers a multitude of sins. How does it do so? Through understanding. Through grace.

Notice in this example, the grace is produced simply by me trying to understand why the other person might have done what they did. That’s right, might. Understanding is not necessarily about knowing the true reason behind someone else’s actions. In most cases you will never find that out, as the person may not even fully know it themselves.

You don’t need to have all the facts about another person/a situation in order to love. Rather, focus on trying to understand your behavior, accepting and giving yourself grace as you work to improve it, and then extending that same grace to the rest of God’s imperfect people. That is how you get to Love.

Feel free to share via the comments section:

What are some behaviors you have that you need to get to the root cause of?

What are some things people in your life have done that you simply can’t understand?

Have you been extending yourself, or them, grace for any of these things?